I skipped work to stalk him.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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