It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
