I hate your face
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
