Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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