So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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