My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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