I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's blow job season.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
