How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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