Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
