I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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