I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
