she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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