This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
