Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they're like a gay fantastic four
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
