It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
