Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
