I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She bit a glass in half.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
