My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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