Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
