my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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