I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
