God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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