I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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