All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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