You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
