Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
