listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
