I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
