I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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