Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
