New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
