please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
