Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
