According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
