My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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