i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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