I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
