Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
