The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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