I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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