I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
