I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
