she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
