yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
