I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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