you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My feet surprised me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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