i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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