I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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