I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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