I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
