his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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